MOTHER’S DAY HUMOR AND ONE LINERS

One Liners about Motherhood:

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint

Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

The quickest way for a mother to get her kid's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

If evolution is true, how come mothers still have only two hands?

Being a Mom:

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes", was his reply." She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Gray Hair and Motherhood:

One day, a girl walk up to her mother and look at her mother's hair. She studied it for a moment then sadly said: "Mom, why is it that some of your hair is white?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

You know you’re a mom when...

Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

Popsicles become a food staple.

Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie bars.

Grandmothers Remember:

WHEN MY three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

How Mothers Bake a Cake:

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.

Remove blocks and toy cars from table.

Grease pan, crack nuts.

Measure two cups flour.

Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.

Remeasure flour.

Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.

Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.

Get another bowl.

Answer doorbell.

Return to kitchen.

Remove baby's hands from bowl.

Wash baby.

Answer phone.

Return.

Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.

Look for baby.

Grease another pan.

Answer telephone.

Return to kitchen and find baby.

Remove baby's hands from bowl.

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..."How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like."

The Images of Mother:

4 Years of Age: My Mommy can do anything!

8 Years of Age: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 Years of Age: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 Years of Age: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 Years of Age: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 Years of Age: That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 Years of Age: Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 Years of Age: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 Year sof Age: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 Years of Age: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Mom's Impressive Job Description:

Author and preacher Tony Campolo said that when his wife, Peggy, was at home full-time with their children and someone would ask, "And what is it that you do, my dear?" she would respond, "I am socializing two Homo sapiens into the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be instruments for the transformation of the social order into the kind of eschatological utopia that God willed from the beginning of creation." Then Peggy would ask the other person, "And what do you do?"